James Weir: A big mystery surrounds the return of Australian Idol

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Australian Idol is coming back – but there is still a major piece of the puzzle that has yet to fall into place. James Weir recaps.

Prepare to be hurt.

With all the major free networks announcing their programming plans for the next year, Channel 7 was the only one going strong with talent shows. They have Australia has talent, The voice – plus a weird spin-off of the latter. But the biggest bet of all is an overhaul Australian Idol.

If they want to be successful, they have to adhere to the one aspect that has made all of the iterations of Idol, worldwide, successful in the first place: the evil judge.

That’s the only reason we looked in the first place. Before Idol even premiered on Australian screens (Sunday July 27, 2003. Halcyon days. Bec Hewitt née Cartwright had just released her first instant classic album and Chris Hemsworth was only months away auditioning for the role of Kim Hyde in At home and away), we were already hooked by the promotional ads showing weirdos and monsters singing badly while Dicko insulted them.

Boom. It is that simple. But for some reason, as the talent shows multiplied, the Evil Judge was killed. Its phasing out was probably in direct correlation with the rise of sad candidate stories. On all of the talent shows, the producers suddenly decided to make sure every person auditioning was armed with a heartbreaking past life.

One by one, each contestant would come out and a prerecorded package would play, marked with cranky Dido-style music, as their grueling journey was detailed with voiceover narration. The stories ran the gamut – deceased family members, job losses, illnesses and drug addictions. It got to the point where everything was being used as a sad candidate story.

“Growing up my dad had a unibrow and I suffer from migraines.”

Sharon Osbourne, former judge of The X factor and America has talent, let’s let him strike back on Conan O’Brien’s talk show a few years ago.

“They all have something wrong – they either have a lung, a kidney and they all have someone sick in the hospital. And it’s like, ‘Oh Lord shut up and sing. But when they sing, it’s like ‘Please stop that’. I can’t take it anymore, ”she fumed before turning her attention to The voices blind auditions.

“And it doesn’t matter if the chair turns or you look at them or you don’t look at them – because they act like it’s just“ the voice. ”“ All that matters is the voice. ” Well, hang on… that’s great, but when you’re ugly and weighing, like, 9,000 pounds – what are we gonna do with you?

All of those sad candidate stories meant there couldn’t be a mean judge anymore because, if they were seen making fun of all the mopey losers, they would just look … well … mean.

But it is a new dawn and a new day. It is time to let go of the sad stories of the candidates. The makeover Australian Idol must reinstate the average judge. We want the insults to be hurled like a t-shirt cannon.

The great thing about mean judges is that they don’t even have to know anything about music. In fact, the less involved they are in the business, the better.

SAS: Australia Military Chief Ant Middleton is the perfect candidate. The former UK special forces agent turned TV star is the perfect choice to be the evil judge. As we have seen in three seasons of SAS: Australia, his imaginative and articulate insults are truly sharp.

Again this week, Ant delivered a line that I can’t wait to use on people in my own life, like my barista.

“Tell us something interesting about yourself because, right now, if I had to write anything about you, it would be ‘Boring c ** t’.”

He’s brilliant. Like a hot Don Rickles.

The insult comedy is alive and well.

AUSSIE CENTRIC LAST MINUTE HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

Some Australians are so angry about Halloween. “We’re not a goddamn America!” We just need to localize it more and find costumes that reflect our own culture. Here’s a list of topical suggestions that require minimal preparation before next weekend’s holidays.

Karl Stefanovic

Sweatpants, baseball cap, and sunglasses because you’re keeping a low profile after Lisa’s memoir was released on Wednesday.

Nadia bartel

Credit card. Ten dollar bill. Gray Kmart plate at $ 3.

Melissa Caddick

A fresh boost because your hairdresser husband taught you well. A wad of banknotes. Cardboard folder filled with fake Excel spreadsheets. A shoe.

A competitor of Love Island

Swimsuit of your choice. Urine sample. Pathology swab test.

A Hemsworth

Minimal clothing. No shoes. (Only suitable for street parties. The costume does not make sense if you are indoors).

Gladys Berejiklian

A bob wig. Sensible shoes. Centrelink forms.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

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